


Personal Paradise

by elsweyrfondue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:16:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2024844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsweyrfondue/pseuds/elsweyrfondue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this a long time ago, inspired by the ending of 5.14 "My Bloody Valentine". I went over it again, but just know it's set in season 5.</p><p>Dean feels the weight of everything is too much to bear and prays to Cas for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personal Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if it's a little cheesy or smth as I wrote it a while ago. I think it might have been the first fic I wrote ever...
> 
> Characters not mine, they belong to Eric Kripke

Dean looked up to the sky.

“Please. What is wrong with me?” he whispered to the night sky. “Please help me.”

Tears tainted his face and worry wrinkled his forehead. 

He sat in silence except for his own whimpers with his head resting in his hands.

“Cas? Can you hear me? I'm praying. Can't you see how broken I am?”

He was interrupted by the sudden flap of wings. He had grown accustomed to the sound, but when he usually heard it, it meant of Castiel's departure. He usually flew away from the far-too intimate moments of their discussions about their own fears and flaws. He looked up from his hands and saw the angel staring down at him with the intense stare he was used to by now, but it held something different this time. It was like sympathy. It was too close to pity and it made Deans stomach churn at the thought of someone taking pity on him. He bit back the urge to yell about it because he wanted him here for a reason. He couldn't afford him to fly away on him again.

“Dean?” Castiel asked with squinting eyes.

Dean exhaled and launched himself off the ground from where he was curled up next to a rusted and otherwise useless car in Bobby's lot, dusted his hands off on his pants and looked Cas in the eyes with red rimmed eyes.

“I can't do this anymore man. I mean just-” his voice hitches, forcing Dean to stop.

He clears his throat and looks around at the destroyed vehicles, eyes darting from shattered windshields to a blue Prius with only one punctured wheel. The October night manifested as a cold wind blew against Deans' short hair and played with the zippers on his leather jacket.

A warm and familiar hand pressed onto his shoulder forcing him to look over at Castiel.

The look he gave Dean sent a shiver down his spine. 

Dean squinted his eyes as Castiel’s softened.

“I want you to take it away. Use your angel mojo and just- just get rid of my memories.” he said hurriedly trying to get it out before he changed his mind. His eyes darting down to Castiel's eternally scuffed loafers. 

The hand that sent flames down Deans shoulder dropped from contact as Castiel backed away with a pained expression on his face. Dean looked up scared he would swoop away without a word and Dean would be left all alone again.

“I can't do that, Dean.” Castiel said, tone even and deep, holding eye contact as long as he willed until he finally darted to the wet cement under their feet.

“No,” Dean growled, “This isn't... Cas, man. I'm begging you. I just need it to be gone.”

Anger mixed with his patented pained expression as Castiel turned his body straight toward Dean.

“And how much do you want me to take away? Since your brother started drinking the demon blood and opened the cage holding Lucifer? Since I pulled you out of Hell after you were stupid enough to sell your soul to a demon?” he said taking a step closer to Dean into his personal space, something Dean used to like but now he just wished he'd shut up and back off. “Or how about when your dad died protecting you? Or does it stem all the way to your mothers death? Do you want your whole life gone Dean? Do you not see what you are asking?” Their faces inches away Castiel had looked sad as he searched Deans face trying to find something other than anger.

Fuck it, he fought the want to cuss him out but he lost, this time he went too far. 

“Fuck you, Cas. I know what I'm asking for. Its all I can think about lately, of course I want it.” Dean growled somehow lower than before.

“Do you not know the damage it will do to you? The trauma alone from it is much worse than the trauma you're experiencing right now. You're brain cannot handle it. It’s suicide and you already know that.”

Dean huffed and shook his head as the condensation blew out of his mouth, which would usually alert him something evil was lurking, didn't disturb him. He was not in the mood right now.

“Jesus, I just need something to help me, is there nothing you can do? Maneuver around the good memories or some shit. I just... I am just done.” Dean pleaded and looked up at the stars for a second before returning to his angel.

“Enjoy what I gave back to you Dean. I gave you back the Earth, life on Earth, and yet here you are asking me to turn that around. Be grateful. John didn't do all he did so you could just turn around and do it too. When I pulled you out this is what you were supposed to see. You were supposed to accept this as a second chance. Not... this.” Castiel said as he gestured to Dean.

They stood there for a while not looking at each other, as Castiel turned to the side, in silence save for an airplane passing overhead.

“Fine, Cas. Whatever. Just go back to your home and I'll go back to mine. Lets just pretend this never happened and go back to whatever the fuck this is.” Dean said, his eyes burning the side of Castiels' neck.

Fully expecting him to be gone, Dean turned around to survey the rest of the junkyard so he couldn't see him leave. When he felt a tap on his shoulder he turned around annoyed.

“I told you just go-” was all he could manage once he saw the two fingers he dreaded come toward his forehead. It was the last thing he saw before he squeezed his eyes shut and the pain shot through his body and he felt like his whole body exploded and flew into a million pieces across the universe.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

When he realized there was ground under his feet and his body was together his first thought was to throw up but he pushed down the urge, something he mastered after the third time he got zapped. He looked around at his feet while hunched over trying to get over the nausea and saw the green grass. The frolicsome grass seemed to illuminate under his boots. He had never seen grass as green as this and was stunned when he looked up and saw everything else was heavily saturated; the whole garden. They were surrounded by giant bushes, trees and flowers that looked like they came right out of a Good Housekeeping magazine. It wasn't just that. The air here was different, cleaner but almost like that didn't matter. Like you didn't need it to live. He spotted the man in the red sweater vest and beige slacks who seemed to ignore Dean. He was playing with a kite, the sort of thing he only saw at the parks he and Sam drove past and never thought twice about. He had never touched one and never cared to. 

“Each soul generates its own Paradise. I favor the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who died in a bathtub in 1953.” Castiel said beside Dean, causing him to jump a little at the sudden realization of his presence. Castiel's eyes were trained on the man having the time of his life-or afterlife- and Dean followed his gaze. 

“So were just interrupting his personal heaven?” Dean scoffed, “I mean this is great and all but-” Dean stopped short when he saw the affection and bittersweet look in the angels eyes and started to wonder when the angel started to show such emotion. He gazed at the angel thoughtfully until Castiel returned it. Castiel tried to put a smile on his face and Dean smiled back at the attempt pushing Cas to smile with a grin showing his teeth. They sat there smiling like idiots until the man ran by them laughing as the kite soared through the sky broke the connection.

As their smiles faded they watched the man leap over the stone bench that sat next to a pond.

“So why did you bring me here Cas? Show me the joys of life because usually they show you Hell then ask you if you want to die, not the good part of dying.” Dean said quietly.

“Dean.” Castiel stared at Dean. “Is this what you really want? Eternally stuck in paradise? The same thing over and over again? Of course yours will be different, you will have your own paradise. But Dean I know you well and I know you like the adrenaline of hunting. The change of everyday life and how you will always be surprised. Those are the joys you take out of life and you need to sit back and accept them. You need to enjoy the things you take pleasure in even if they are tiny and insignificant to other people. The way this man just wanted to fly a kite in a beautiful garden and now he can for eternity. But that was his time to pass, and it is not yours. It may be hard to believe but one day you will die, for good.” Castiel's eyes were red and Dean couldn't breathe quite right. “It isn't your time yet, believe me you have an expiration date.”

When Dean was sure he finished, he sighed releasing eye contact and looked down once again at the green expanse, “Hell Cas, I knew you were blunt, but.... fuck.”

“I'm sorry Dean, but I've come to realize you like blunt.” Castiel said urging Dean to return the stare.

They stood for a few seconds until Castiel raised him palm and two fingers to Dean's forehead but Dean swatted his hand away.

“If you like it here so much, why don't we stay awhile?” Dean asked, a playful smirk on his face.

Castiel returned his hand to his side and squinted thoughtfully at Dean. He returned his gaze to the man laughing in the garden and a minute later he walked over to the stone bench sat down, trench coat folding awkwardly. Dean watched him and followed him soon after, plopping down right next to him. Hummingbirds buzzed around them in the bushes while birds chirped in the trees high above them. The sun was bright in the center of the sky, 'it must be noon' thought Dean, but he realized it would forever be noon here.

“Life is a gift Dean. It’s what God gave you. It’s what I returned to you. You should appreciate it to get here.” Castiel said watching a red cardinal staring down at them from a high branch.

“I've tried, I want to keep trying, but it just gets so hard sometimes, ya know?” Dean said watching the man land the kite and sit down to play with the grass.

“I understand, but maybe I can help.” Castiel said turning to Dean.

He sat quite stunned at the angel's words. He didn't turn around at first to hide the look on his face, but when he did, he saw the look on the Cas' face. Determination pushed past the usual worry in his eyes and his eyebrows furrowed, but in a different way than before. 

He liked it.

He urged forward to feel his lips on his. To close the small distance between them. He was greeted with warm flesh as he pushed closer to him. It was soft but passionate at the same time. Castiel wrapped his hands around Deans neck and twirled his short hair that lay there. They broke and rested their foreheads against another as their breath mingled together. They stared at each other with wide eyes and Dean was sure Castiel could hear his heart thrumming against his chest. When Dean smiled a look swept over Castiel's eyes that spoke of simple adoration.

He really liked it.


End file.
